Big. Too Big???

I'm not much of a TV fan. In fact, I don't really even know how to use our Cable set up that we installed several months ago. Late one Saturday night, I stumbled across a viewing of an old Harry Potter movie while I needed background activity for something else and that's the extent of my recent TV viewing. Except for... there's often an "except", my guilty pleasure of ordering Grey's Anatomy through i-Tunes. It's delivered privately to my computer whenever there's a new episode. I must admit, I'm hooked. There is drama, PG-13 sex, laughter, excellent music and so many metaphors for life I can hardly stand it. This week I found myself mesmerized, enchanted and in near tears as I connected with the passionate dialogue of a 350 pound+ opera singer. It resonated profoundly, so I transcribed his speech to ponder here.

“I’m big. Too Big. I don’t fit in airplane seats and my feelings don’t always fit the situation. If my food is overcooked, I get enraged. I want to kill the waiter… but I don’t. I politely ask him to take my meal back and prepare it the way I asked for it. I spend my days making myself small... more acceptable, and that’s ok, because at night, when I go on stage, I get to experience the world as I feel it, with indescribable rage and unbearable sadness and huge passion. At night, on stage, I get to kill the waiter and dance on his grave, and if I can’t do that…if all I have is a life of making myself smaller, then I don’t want to live . I don’t. And believe me, honey, you don’t want me to live.” From Grey’s Anatomy 1.21.10

While I do fit in the seat of an airplane, my emotional intensity often reaches proportions that can feel "too big". When that happens I must choose whether or not I will make myself smaller or go with the flow and risk dancing on the waiter's grave.

So, any other Grey's fans out there? Ever land in a situation and find yourself living large or making small?

ever feel like this?

Breaking Open

I need to write these words and I need to have them witnessed. They feel raw, discombo- bulated and important – at least for me. Slowing down this morning, my emotions lean toward the weight of the world – mine, my children’s, the children of Haiti and yours.

Monday, I sat with a young woman who is fighting for her life. She is not physically ill or destitute – most would say she lives a privileged life – and she would not disagree. Still… she struggles. This week, her battle for self-awareness was set against the devastation and death in Haiti… her search for personal peace transposed against a backdrop of events tangibly bigger than her own breaking heart. It is surreal and she paused to decide if she is worth it – to consider if she matters enough to fight for her own life without appearing selfish.

Tuesday, I engaged in a conversation with graduates of a Christian institution. The topic: What makes the institution unique? (i.e. Why go there, donate your money or invest your time?) One young man articulated before he went to school there, he had a 'Save the World' mentality that felt huge and impossible to accomplish. Now he sees things on a smaller scale – one individual - one conversation at a time. This feels doable. This feels like the Gospel to him – and I would not disagree. Can the world be saved on this scale?

As I write, dozens of other faces in this short week flash through my mind. Wednesday’s encounter with a woman who has heart-warming dreams that fill her to near bursting, but has a hard time seeing how those dreams can impact the outer world. Monday’s witness of prisoners in orange jump suits, some angry and entitled – others grateful to be alive and willing to transform one day at a time – some both. The only thing separating them and me is the color of their suit and my ability to walk out the steel-encased doors. Yesterday, I facilitated (& participated in) a recovery group where I am awed by the vast array of socio-economic, cultural, and spiritual representations. All an integral part of the world. All unique individuals. All just like me.

So, I sit here this morning snuggled with my golden cat, slowing down long enough to consider these things. I am near overwhelmed with sadness for my own broken heart and filled with hope for change in the world. Things seem to be shifting – or perhaps it’s just me? I am reminded of Mother Teresa’s prayer for her heart to break wide open so the whole world may fall in. Today, the world is right here with me. In this moment, I am grateful and awash in a sea of other emotions.

Is it enough to care for ourselves when others are dying? Do we not each die a bit every day? Can a breath of life in my body reach across the world? Does it have to go that far or is it enough to touch someone across the room, or closer yet to fill my own lungs?

by the sea © lucy 1.09.10

Oodles of Delicious

For Christmas, I received a wonderful little diary called "Keel's Simple Diary." It has sometimes silly and often thought-provoking prompts to jot down reminders of your life. Yesterday's first prompt looked like this:

Your day was (choose only one).

() getting there () outspoken (X) like spaghetti.

Explain why: ... oodles & oodles of deliciousness!!!

My days continue to be full and I miss spending more time around the blogosphere, but I am savoring each moment. Part of the SAVOR comes from a wise woman who has come to visit for the weekend. Yesterday's "oodles" consisted of an extended morning (er afternoon) in our pajamas with lots of conversation, giggles, a few tears, rain rain rain, a little food, snuggles with the kitty and more conversation. Decadent? Perhaps. The stuff of life worth savoring? Absolutely!

The evening ended with my January SoulCollage® workshop and 10 fabulous women in attendance. Blessings truly abound.

This morning the rain seems to have abated for awhile, so perhaps we'll ease out of our pj's a little sooner and take a walk... and talk, and giggle and probably cry a little. Ah yes, it is indeed a time to savor!

So... How was your day? (choose only one).

() getting there () outspoken () like spaghetti.

Explain why:

Becoming Rooted at Home

“Only if one is rooted at home in one’s own self…is one able to move forward, to open up new boundaries, both interior and exterior.” -- Esther De Waal

My natural progression toward adulthood focused on finding ways to “put down roots”, mainly in order to fit the mold of “grown-up” by the world’s standards. Simultaneously, I battled with myself and defiantly declared in the words of Peter Pan, “I don't wanna grow up!”

Do those battle grounds feel familiar? Are you as De Waal says “rooted at home in (your) own self”? Or have you stopped moving long enough to ask yourself the question? Perhaps you live on automatic pilot, not remembering you have choices in how you choose to live your life.

Personally, I forgot about my choices and scooted through life after firmly pushing the auto-pilot button. Life looked good and it appeared that I had roots. In effect, however, the roots were fairly shallow and began to pull loose from the weight of a heavy heart.

Somewhere along the path toward adulthood, I forgot how to play and be spontaneous. I seemed to be living someone else’s life. I had lost my way home to the heart of who I was created to be. Don’t get me wrong. Life was pretty good. Great spouse. Beautiful kids. Nice house. Plenty of food on the table. Nonetheless, I’d get the occasional twinge of longing when watching a movie or reading a great book that seemed to highlight a richness I was personally missing. There came a point where I knew something needed to change. Complacency had to be pushed aside. My own roots were begging to dig deeper.

Believe me, it was no simple fix and the journey is ongoing. However, today, as I read De Waal’s words, I know I have moved closer to “home." The movement has come through increased awareness and by pushing both interior and exterior boundaries. Throughout my ongoing process, I have discovered many keys to help unlock the complexity of who I am, and witness the treasure inside. It has become my passion to share with others who may feel what I have felt – stuck, lost, or in need of a reminder that life is meant to be lived and not merely endured.

Whether on a spiritual journey or a quest for greater peace or joy in life, it is important to find the key that fits your lock. Heightening awareness of those places where you feel stuck and the places of connection and joy is a wonderful framework for moving forward. I have found that I can only effectively communicate what I have experienced myself. Much of that is what I attempt to share in this space. Additionally, I created Serious Soul Play aka Returning Home to Yourself, a day retreat using some of the most effective tools I know. These experiential techniques include story, art, contemplative time, music, movement and play – all gently guided as you listen to the wisdom you hold for yourself.

By fostering a safe and welcoming environment, I offer this space to be as serious or as playful as your heart desires. You hold the key to your inner wisdom. Is it time for you to dust off your keys and shine them up? Are you longing for some time for yourself? Do you yearn to remember what it’s like to play?

2010 purports to be a year of abundance and going with the flow ☺. My creative juices are stirring and I’d love to share with a broader audience. For those of you around the globe, please let me know if you’d be interested in an online version of Serious Soul Play aka Returning Home to Yourself.

If local (Seattle and surrounding area), I encourage you to join me on Saturday February 6 for this unique day retreat. Register by Monday January 18 for only $75 (20%+ discount off the suggested enrollment.) To register and for further details click here.

Blessings!

photos © h3images